ANTM Recap: Obsessing about Obsessing and Cheerleaders Kicking People in the Face

On the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model (episode 5 of Cycle 19, aired 9/21), we learn that:

1) Laura is obsessed with Leila being obsessed with her.

2) Alicia Keys prompts uncontrollable sobbing.

3) Kelly Cutrone is abusive, but Kristin doesn’t mind because sociopaths recognize, and even respect, their own kind.

4) Victoria likes to perform awkward stretches during moments of tension.

5) Alyssa has mean kicks.

6) Kelly Cutrone says things at judging that make zero sense.


1) The entire first ten minutes of the episode is about how Laura is obsessed with whether or not Leila is obsessed with her.  When Leila confronts Laura about telling everybody she’s obsessed with her, Laura bursts into tears.  Leila says, “I’m not obsessed with you.  If anything I think you’re obsessed with you.”  To which Laura bellows, “That’s what everybody says!”  If everybody tells you you’re obsessed with yourself, it’s true.  Okay?  Simple as sweet apple pie.

Leila is OBSESSED with me! Also, I don’t have EYEBROWS, which is WEIRD!

2) Soon after the Leila/Laura fight, Alicia Keys comes on the scene to tell the girls about her charity, which helps mothers and children with AIDS.  The moment the girls see Alicia, they begin to shake and cry like demons are being exorcised from their bodies.  Apparently, Victoria cries over mommy, and the rest of the girls cry over Alicia Keys.  Kiara even sings a song to Alicia, which made me scratch my head; why would anybody care to hear that b*tch sing, with Alicia Keys in the room?  It’s like if I met Jerry Seinfeld and performed a standup routine in front of him.   Shut up, Kiara.

Wow, nice job, Kiara. Great…um….can you stop singing now?

3) The challenge involves the girls strutting the catwalk for Ms. Key’s charity.  While the girls are preparing to walk, Kelly Cutrone says she’ll “kill” them if they embarrass her, or anybody involved in the show.  Kristin, Ms. Stuck-up Supreme (or, pretty evil girl), says she’s not “scared” of Kelly Cutrone.  Like meets like.  Like likes like.  K and K are both total monsters.

I’ve been on A LOT of reality shows, and NONE of them were renewed for a second season. Wouldn’t you be mean, too?

4) During a scene in which the girls are bickering, Victoria does some awkward Jane-Fonda-1980s-style stretches.  More proof that she doesn’t know how to respond normally in social settings. (Read about Victoria’s mommy obsession here:


5) During the photo shoot (the girls have to dress up like cheerleaders and allow a group of male models to throw them up in the air), Allysa kicks a guy in the face.  Like, there’s actual blood.  This might be the first time an ANTM contestant has caused serious bodily injury to another model on a photo shoot.  Correct me if I’m wrong, readers.

Sorry for kicking you in the face. But at least I landed this amazing photo.

6) Kelly Cutrone to Victoria at judging: You look like a middle-aged man about to take a nap.  To Leila: You look like your eyes have been bitten by a mosquito at a drag queen slumber party.

WHAT WHAT WHAT?  You can’t just say things because they pop into your head, Ms. Cutrone.  How does a middle-aged man sleep?  What happens at a drag queen slumber party?  And why can’t you at least be FUNNY, if you’re going to be CRUEL?

Wrapping up:
Nastasia wins best photo, and Leila goes home.  Yes, Leila, fan favorite and gap-tooth extraordinaire, goes home.  It makes no sense, but it probably fits nicely into Tyra’s little scheme to get people to care about the “off-stage” online competition, in which girls who are voted off continue to compete for fan votes.  A single model will “come back” on the show at some point during the cycle, and hence she will be “saved” like a born-again Christian!  I think Leila’s been booted so that fans will be inspired to go online and vote.  There’s really no good reason why she went home instead of, say, Allysa.

Until next time!

One thought on “ANTM Recap: Obsessing about Obsessing and Cheerleaders Kicking People in the Face

  1. Pingback: ANTM Recap: Ichabod Crane as Lara Croft and Pacifist Owls « realhousewivesrealprofessor

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