Any RHONJ fan knows that the Posche fashion show always involves hair pulling, busted knees, and grown women calling each other whores. The first installment of the two-part Real Housewives of New Jersey finale (aired 9/16) depicts the calm before the storm, the days/hours leading up to the show itself, which is put on by Kim D, AKA Braceface McGee, AKA Wanna-Be Housewife.
Though there wasn’t much excitement or action throughout the episode, there were many, many awkward moments that made it totally entertaining, if not thrilling or memorable. If last week’s episode was about showing the husbands being “nice” to their wives, this episode was about making the audience squirm along with the cast members.
A few examples:
1) Teresa tries to “teach” her daughters Italian, and ends up proving she can’t speak very fluent Italian in the process. “Are we learning Spanish?” the girls ask repeatedly, and then Teresa forgets half the words and phrases in her “lesson plan”. Finally Melania shouts, “Be quiet! You’re not the boss!” and Gia tells her mother she’s not “doing it right” (Does she mean teaching? Or…life?). Mos def awkward. It’s hard not to feel a little sorry for Teresa, who fails at everything in this scene. Your daughters run you, woman!
2) Caroline and the fam visit Chris and Albie in their apartment, and as usual Caroline is a She-Bear Mega-B*tch. Albie’s girlfriend Lindsay, who seems perfectly nice, is cooking breakfast for everybody. “It smells all the way down the hallway!” Caroline announces as she enters the apartment. For a moment, it seems as though she is offering a compliment to Lindsay, which does seem strange considering how cruel and withholding she usually is. Then she finishes her statement and we realize it’s the same Caroline we know and hate: “Can you open a window?” In other words: “Lindsay, your food smells bad, and you will NEVER marry my son! If he can’t legally marry me, he will marry NO ONE!”
As everybody digests the insult, an awkward silence ensues. Caroline then proceeds to tell Albie how great his apartment is, his career…but never mentions his girlfriend Lindsay. The camera passes over said girlfriend’s face and she flushes with shame.
(Side note: Caroline, you remind me of Garfield. You really, really remind me of Garfield. The red hair? The lasagna? The angry expression? The hatred for all things cuter than you? And also the fact that you told a clothing store owner, “I don’t do sparkles!”?)
The scene in Chris and Albie’s apartment only gets worse. Caroline and Big Al talk about retirement, and Al jokes that once they start spending unlimited amounts of time together, he could realize “this chick (Caroline) is a b*tch!” The room erupts with laughter, but Caroline scowls and a cloud of darkness settles around her. She looks at Al like she wants to cut his head off with a laser. AWKWARD! Get this woman a lasagna, stat!
3)Melissa and Joe meet some music industry folks at the Russian Tea Room, and Joe says, with all seriousness, “You have a true artist in front of you. How does it feel?” He says this to two men who have been all around the world, hung out with all kinds of celebrities, and represented all kinds of famous clients. You know how the guys should have responded? “It feels like I’m only doing this because you’re on a high-profile reality show, douche.” But instead they just stare at him incredulously, and thus, MORE AWKWARDNESS.
4) As if things couldn’t get any squirmier, Kathy and Rich visit some execs to talk about a dessert line. Kathy mentions that all her desserts sold out at a previous event, and Rich says, “Everything was free though,” as if to remind the businessmen his wife is not so talented after all. One businessman looks at Rich and says, “That’s not nice.” And then everybody shifts in their seats. AWKWARD AWKWARD AWKWARD. Joe Gorga supports his wife to a fault; Rich doesn’t support his wife at all.
5) Last, but of course not least: some ultra creepy, reptilian dude named Angelo tells Teresa and Kim D (who happens to be an adults with braces—well, she had braces last season—which is the most awkward thing in the world. She’s also just an atrocious human being with white hair extensions, blue contact lenses, and a face only a mother could love) that Melissa used to be a stripper. Teresa actually acts like a human being, and tells him not to gossip about her sister-in-law. Kim D continues to ask questions about Melissa’s stripping past, which makes Teresa get up and leave the salon where they’re having their hair and makeup done. AWK AWK AWKWARD.
The show ends right as the Posche fashion show starts (and right as Kim D starts gyrating around saying, “Sexy Hot! Sexy Hot!” Melissa says she’s too much, and damn it, I agree.) An explosive fight is about to ensue between Teresa and Melissa, based on the preview, but I have no idea if MORE awkwardness will result from the arguments. Can arguments be awkward? I say yes! We shall see next week!