Real World St. Thomas Finale: Chicken Abuse and Broken Dreams

The Real World: St. Thomas finale (aired 9/12) involves chicken abuse (Swift), a guy almost shitting his pants during a parade (Trey), drunken gorilla dancing (Marie at a bar), pole dancing (Laura at a bar), and yellow vomit spewing over the side of a boat (all the cast members).

What happens on Real World, stays on the internet forever

Details about the chickens: to get back at the girls (Marie and LaToya) for a previous prank, Swift decides to forcibly kidnap two St. Thomas chickens and hide them in his roommates’ beds.  “I hope LaToya doesn’t jump on them!” he says excitedly.  So then of course LaToya comes in and jumps on them.  The chickens emerge with bald patches and expressions of terror (if chickens can have expressions).  They are technically alive, but holding on by a thread.

After the closing credits, MTV offers a message of reassurance for the audience: “No chickens were harmed in the implementation of Swift’s pranks.  They continue to run free in St. Thomas.”

I’d like to tweak the message, slightly: “Wild chickens were chased down by Real World cast member, squeezed, probed, man-handled, wrestled into a taped up box, transported on a boat, hidden in a bed under thick blankets as a hilarious “joke”, trampled on by multiple drunkards (Ha ha!  It’s a PRANK!  FUNNY!), and finally “released’ back into the wild.  No chickens were killed during filming of this episode, though they probably died from stress shortly after being ‘freed’.”

Oh duuuuuuuude. That chicken’s missing a wing!

When I was a kid, my hamster Oreo escaped from his cage.  We found him in a closet, slightly damp and a little thin, but alive.  He croaked.  A day later.  On his back with his feet up in the air.

Sometimes, we don’t die right away.  Think about those poor folks from Celebrity Rehab!

Me thinks the chickens are now in tiny chicken graves.  Poor chickens.  You’d die, too, if you had to hang around the Real World St. Thomas cast, and especially if you had to spend time in their beds.  That’s a whole lot of syphilis!

I’m suing you, MTV.

The episode ends with Rob asking Trey what’s he’s going to do when he gets home.  “Porn?” they say in unison, and then bust into embarrassed laughter.  Keepin’ it Klassy!  Then they fall into each other’s arms and weep uncontrollably.  Trey seems allergic to his own tears (has he never cried before?) and his eyes turn a startling red.  FIN.  Goodbye, St. Thomas.  I will not miss you.

Trey pretending to have human emotions.

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